Between the Lines: Lorna Doone

On this raw and rainy June Monday, I woke up wondering who would be a good interview subject this week. As I gazed out my window at the rain coming down, I was reminded of England. That's when inspiration struck and, as Phineas so aptly put it, "Ferb, I know what we're going to do today."

Here then without any further delay is an interview--all the way from 17th century England--with Lorna Doone.

Greg:  Hello Ms. Doone. Thanks for having us here to meet you. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself and where you're from?

Lorna:  Oh aye. M' name's Lorna Doone and I'm from Exmoor in Devon and Somerset. 'Tis a beautiful bit of God's own country is Exmoor, but it can be hard and cruel. The folk that live there are the same way.

Greg:  So I've been led to understand. From what I've heard, you've had quite a time lately. Please tell us a little bit about it if you can. 

Lorna:  Oh it's been the devil's own time, i can tell ye. I hardly know where t' begin. I grew up as part of the Doone clan. M' folk've run up on some hard times of late, but once we were quite well respected. My part in the Doone tale begins with the murder of a farmer by the name of Ridd. He were killed by members of m' clan. Now his son, John, vowed revenge upon all the Doones.

Now, I knew nothing of this. The good Lord saw fit that I should meet and fall in love with John Ridd and he with me, each knowing nothing of the other's past nor lineage. 

Greg:  Wow. I expect John would be mighty surprised when he found out who you were.

Lorna:  No doubt he would, but there was more. You see, not only was I a Doone, but I was the granddaughter of the lord of the Doone clan, Sir Ensor Doone.

Greg:  Oh boy. That definitely would not sit well with John.

Lorna:  Aye. And that's not all. I was pledged to wed his successor, Carver Doone. Of course this was against my will as I did not love the swine, but what choice does a girl in 17th century England have? None of course.

Greg:  So what happened?

Lorna:  Well sir, when Sir Ensor died, John helped me escape to his farm, which upset Carver no end. He attacked the farm. I cursed the fates that they had caused me to be born a Doone in the first place.

It was during my time in the Ridd household that someone noticed my necklace, which had been given to me by my mother, God rest her. That is very important as it comes into the story later. Anyhow, it turns out that the necklace belonged to Lady Dugal, owner of one of the biggest fortunes in England. She had been attacked and murdered by outlaws. Only her daughter escaped, but she was never found.

Greg:  Let me guess. You were the daughter, right?

Lorna:  My you are quick. Yes, i was the daughter. I was the heiress to a great fortune, but the law dictated that I must go to London as a ward off the King. John and I can never be married as he is just a lowly farmer. Then there was this revolution and everything was turned topsy-turvy. 

John has been taken prisoner, accused of a crime he did not commit. He is taken to London where we are reunited. He saves the life of the patriarch of the Dugals, Earl Brandir, and is pardoned. The King gives us his permission to marry.

Greg:  Well, there you are. What a happy ending.

Lorna:  Oh, but I'm not finished.

Greg:  Oh, aren't you?

Lorna:  No. John leads an attack on the Doones and almost all their men are killed. Carver escapes, vowing revenge. John and I wed, but during the ceremony Carver turns up and shoots me. John runs after him and they fight. Carver winds up at the bottom of a bog. Luckily, I survive, although it is rather dodgy for a time.

Greg:  Well I must say that is a heck of a story, thats for sharing it with us. It would make a smashing book. You might want to write it all down.

Lorna:  Do you really think so? John's mother has a ripping biscuit recipe, I thought maybe we could open a bakery and market them. He has such a sweet tooth, my John.

Between the Lines: Puss in Boots

As someone who shares his house with four cats, I can tell you from personal experience that they can be quite lazy. The majority of their time is spent lazing around trying to get as much sleep as possible. I can also tell you that they can be quite devoted to their human family. They share the beds at night with my son and daughter. This is especially true if either Christian or Abby are sick.

This week, I have the pleasure of speaking to a cat that showed his love and devotion to his "master" in unprecedented fashion. Here is an interview with Puss in Boots.

Greg:  Hello there Puss, or should I call you Boots?

Boots:  Well, there's a question I haven't been asked before. Do you know, I rather like Boots. Yes, you may call me Boots.

Greg:  Sounds like a plan. So Boots, tell us a little about how you met your master, the Marquis of Carabas.

Boots:  To be perfectly candid, he's not really a marquis--at least not until he met me. Actually he was just the third son of an ordinary miller.

Greg:  But if that's true, then how did he rise to his present station--a marquis engaged to the king's daughter?

Boots:  Ah yes, I do understand your confusion. You see, when the miller died he left various portions of his estate (such as it was) to his three sons. His first born received the mill, his second son received some mules. The youngest was gifted with--me.

Greg:  You? That's it, only a cat?

Boots:  Only a cat? You sound just like the third son. That was his reaction precisely. He, like you and just about everyone else did not realize the value of his inheritance. 

Greg:  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. But after all, what good is a cat compared to a mill, or even donkeys.

Boots:  Well for one thing, I can talk and if that is not remarkable in and of itself, then I don't know what is. Beyond that, though, I have a certain degree of cunning and brilliance if I dare say. I had a plan to help raise my master's standing in the world and, by association, my own.

Greg:  Hmmm, and what was that?

Boots:  I took a sack, trapped a rabbit and brought it to the king as a gift from my master who I called the Marquis of Carabas. He was most appreciative as you can imagine. I told him my master would supply him with game regularly. This got out paw in the door, figuratively speaking of course.

Greg:  Of course. So, you supplied game for the king's table regularly after that, eh? I can see how that would make your master very popular with the king. What was the marquis doing all that time.

Boots:  Who?

Greg:  Your master.

Boots:  Oh, him. Playing with bits of string or something I expect. I've nothing against him, mind you. He's a nice lad and all, but terribly ambitious you see. If I had left it to him to improve our lot, I'd be waiting still.

Greg:  I understand. You were just trying to take the bull by the horns and run with it.

Boots:  In a manner of speaking. Anyway, it worked. The king was so pleased with the gifts of food that he decided his daughter should wed my master. That was good new. However, when he said he wanted to pay a call on the marquis I thought all was lost. I mean, where could we entertain the king and his daughter--our hut?

Greg:  I could see that it might be a bit awkward.

Boots:  You see correctly. I had to devised a plan quickly. It was a warm day, so I suggested to my master that he might want to go swimming. There was a pond near the highway that the king's carriage was sure to pass by. 

While my master was swimming, I hid his raggedy clothes and flagged down the carriage as it approached. I told the king that my master had been robbed while he was swimming and had no clothes. The king provided some of his own royal raiment and asked him to ride in the carriage with himself and his daughter.

In the meantime, I went ahead and told all the farmers along the route to tell the king if he should ask that their land belonged to the Marquis of Carabas.

Greg:  How did you get them to agree to that?

Boots:  What else? I threatened them. The farmers did not worry me. I was more concerned that my master would inadvertently say something to give the game away. I needn't have worried. My master and the princess were so besotted with each other that they did nothing but gaze into each other's eyes. It was love at first sight.

My second problem was much more real. For several months I had had my eye on a certain castle that was the home of a fearsome ogre. I now decided it would make the perfect estate for the Marquis of Carabas. The problem was what to do about the ogre.

Greg:  Yes, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?

Boots:  Well, cats are nothing if not resourceful. This ogre had a certain amount of magic about himself. He could turn himself into any animal he wanted. To top it off, he was a bit of a show-off. I asked him if he could turn himself into a cat. He took it upon himself to turn into a lion--nearly frightened me out of my skin.

I admitted that it was impressive to be able to turn oneself into something so large, but that I doubted he could turn into something so small as a mouse. Well, the old fool was determined to prove he could do it. Without thinking, he turned himself into a rather foul tasting rodent. I held my breath, gobbled him up, and my master had a wonderful castle.

Greg:  And I suppose everyone lived happily ever after.

Boots:  Oh my  yes. My master and the princess are due to wed this weekend and I have anything I could possibly want to eat. I have to admit it's not all peaches and cream though. Ever since eating the ogre, I simply cannot abide mice. Pity.

Between the Lines: Buck From Call of the Wild

Hello, hello. Happy Memorial Day! I hope you are all enjoying your day. Please remember to take a moment to remember all those who served our country, especially those who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can be free.

It's Monday, so that means Between the Lines. This time around, I'm in the frozen north--Alaska to be exact. I've traveled here to talk to Buck, the dog gone wild from The Call of the Wild. 

Greg:  Hi Buck. Thanks for letting us visit with you. You've had quite a wild life. How did you wind up with a pack of wolves?

Buck:  Well, it's kind of a long story. My life was uneventful enough to start. I had a very happy early life with my first master, Judge Miller, in California. He treated me real well, and I had no problem with humans. As a matter of fact, I kind of liked them.

Then, the Judge's gardener, Manuel, stole me. That's when everything changed.

Greg:  What happened?

Buck:  I was shipped up north in a crate. Wound up in Seattle. They treated me bad. Didn't give me any food or water. There was this guy in this red sweater, he was the worst. When I got out of that crate, I was on him quick. I'd turned mean. But he taught me a lesson. He beat the tar out of me with his club. Taught me that a man with a club was someone to be careful of.

Greg:  Did you stay long in Seattle?

Buck:  No, thank goodness. A couple of nice people named Francois and Perrault bought me and took me up to Alaska. They trained me to be a sled dog. It was tough going at first. Alaska was cold--a lot colder than anything I was used to. Plus, I had a hard time fitting in.

Spitz, the lead sled dog, saw me as some kind of a threat or something. Finally, he challenged me to a fight. Luckily, I won, and the rest of the sled team accepted me as the lead dog. After that, things were easier, but it didn't last.

Greg:  Oh my, why not?

Buck:  Because people can be cruel and greedy. When they get the gold frenzy, they don't care how they treat anyone, man or beast. It doesn't matter, they treat everyone like dogs. The sled team was sold to some guy who delivered the mail. The load we had to pull was terribly heavy. It was brutal, I can tell you.

Finally, it got to the point where we were just exhausted. We weren't any good for anything, so we all got sold.

Greg:  I hope they were decent. Who were they?

Buck:  Three of the tenderest greenhorns you ever want to see. They had gold fever, but didn't know the first thing about living out in the wild. It was awful. First they fed us too much. Then, the food starts getting short, so they don't feed us anything at all. I mean, make up your mind already. 

Well, we meet this guy, John Thornton, who tells the greenhorns not to cross the river. It's thawing out, and they're bound to fall through. I had to agree with him, but the greenhorns didn't want to hear it. So I decided that heck, I wasn't going to cross any thawing river. I lay down and didn't move.

Greg:  What happened then?

Buck:  This guy Thornton cuts me loose and takes me with him. The rest of the team and the three greenhorns die in the river, of course. Thornton--he was good to me. He takes care of me. I hadn't been so happy since I left the Judge. I saved his neck a couple of times.

Round about this time. I met a wolf. He gave me a strange feeling, one of a wild freedom that I wished I could share. Eventually, I found myself without a master again, and decided that I'd had enough of human society and would answer the call of the wild.

Greg:  Well, thanks for your time, Buck. It was interesting to hear your story.

Buck:  No problem, the woods are cold, and it was nice to sit by a fire again, if only for a little while. But I think I prefer my pack mates to you humans. Later.

Between the Lines: Oliver Twist

Hi all! I hope you had a nice weekend. Mine was excellent. I had a beautiful day in Madison, CT on Saturday at the Shoreline Spring Festival where I met some great people and got to talk with a lot of kids about writing and the Deliverers Series. Then yesterday, my son Christian and I went to see a great movie--Million Dollar Arm. Really great stuff.

Anyway, today I've got the pleasure of talking with an interesting lad. He has no father or mother of his own and he's known some really tough times, but he's managed to rise above all that and make something of himself. I'm speaking of Oliver Twist. Let's hear what he has to say.

Greg:  Hello Oliver, what's the good word?

Oliver:  'Ello guv. Good word, why I ain't sure what ya rightly mean. I've found there's precious little good in the world.

Greg:  That's really too bad. I know you've been through some tough times, but surely there's more good in the world than you say.

Oliver:  Could be you're right, things did work out al right for me in the end. But not ev'ryone can say that. Take Nancy, for instance.

Greg:  Nancy? Oh yes, the girl who tried to help you.

Oliver:  Aye, one o' the few what ever did me a kind turn in me youth. What did she get for it, eh? Beat t' death by that bugger Bill Sikes. I've knowed a mess o' folk in me life, but precious few good 'uns I can tell ya. How about them Bumbles in the workhouse? Worked us all 'alf t' death they did, and fed us next t' nothin'. All skin and bones we was. It got so bad I had t' take me life in me 'ands and ask for more.

Greg:  Well, there's bad people, I'll admit, but there are also good ones. 

Oliver:  Then there was Fagin and the Artful Dodger. They was no saints. Fagin put us t' work in the streets, pickin' pockets. I was never no good at it, and I got pinched.

Greg:  True, but didn't that lead to a change in your fortunes? You met Mr. Brownlow that day.

Oliver:  Aye, that may well 'ave been true, but it weren't all peaches and cream from there on out. For one thing, Nancy were done for and Fagin and Sikes were still a thorn in my...er, um, side it ya take m' meanin' and all.

Greg:  Still, you can't say that things did not start looking soon after that.

Oliver:  No, I don't s'pose I can. I 'ave t' admit, things are a lot better now. Especially since I met Aunt Rose. I'm livin' with Mr. Brownlow now and things 're lookin' up, all in all. I thank you for remindin' me that things is much better now.

Greg:  No trouble at all. I'm glad to help. By the way, whatever happened to the Artful Dodger?

Oliver:  Oh 'im? He was shipped off t' Australia. Funny, but I here tell he's back. Still somewhat of a criminal I hear.

Greg:  Oh dear. Is he still picking pockets?

Oliver:  In a manner of speakin'. He's got 'imself inta politics.

Between the Lines: Lemuel Gulliver

For those of you who celebrate, I hope you had a fantastic Easter. We had a great day--church then hiking. It was great to get out in the beautiful weather and move around. This week's guest has done quite a bit of traveling in his own right. He has visited all sorts of strange and wonderful places and met some very interesting creatures. Please join me in welcoming none other than Lemuel Gulliver himself.

Greg:  Hello there. It's great to have a chance to sit down with such a well traveled person. What is the most fascinating place that you've visited?

Gulliver:  On the whole I would have to say the race of intelligent horse called the Houyhnhnms. My crew had mutinied and left me on the shores of a strange country. I was taken in by a family of Houyhnhnms who treated me much more civilly than humans ever did.

Greg:  That may be, but they were still horses. Surely you would feel more at home with people.

Gulliver:  Sadly, no. The people, Yahoos they were called, were cruel and vicious. When I was forced to return to my homeland I no longer had any love for humanity. Horses, to me, are much more humane.

Greg:  What was your most unpleasant adventure?

Gulliver:  My time amongst the giants of Brobdingnag was most unpleasant. 

Greg:  How so?

Gulliver:  Living amongst humans that were the size of tall buildings was most challenging. For one thing, they looked upon me as at best a child and at worst a mere plaything. To be up close to those huge unwashed bodies was not something that I would ever want to repeat. The odor was overpowering.

Greg:  Yes, that would be very unpleasant, I would think. What would you say was your most dangerous journey?

Gulliver:  Well, there were a number. The Brobdingnags kept me in a box for their amusement, and one day it was carried off by a giant eagle with me inside. I was lifted high off the ground and then finally dropped into the sea. On my first journey, I fell asleep on the beach and awoke to find myself tied down and under the power of a race of tiny people called the Lilliputians. This being my first adventure, I was unaccustomed to such strange folk, and it rather took me off-stride, but I was able to negotiate my freedom and assist them in their war with a neighboring country, Blefuscu. Sadly, things did not work out and I was forced to  flee and make my way back to Europe.

Greg:  Well, I must say that your travels are very interesting. Is there any chance that you will be venturing abroad again?

Gulliver:  Not that I can foresee. I intend to stay here at home in peace for the rest of my days. Of course it is entirely possible that the flying island of Laputa may come to take me back. They are very, some might say overly, fascinated with science. They try all sorts of outlandish experiments. Come to think of it, I believe I should be going. No knowing when they might decide to show up. I'll have to go to the stables and ask my horses if they've seen anything unusual in the sky. Good day.

Greg:  Good day, Mr. Gulliver. I hope for your sake that the horses have not seen anything. Thanks for stopping by!

Between the Lines: Rumpelstiltskin

On a recommendation from the Brothers Grimm, I was able to secure an interview with the reclusive and very secretive gold spinning gnome, Rumpelstiltskin. Even though the Grimms story has given him a huge amount of notoriety, he still shuns the limelight. Let's find out what interesting tidbits of information he can give us.

Greg:  Well, well, it certainly is a pleasure to have the world famous Rump--

Rumpelstiltskin:  No! Don't you say it! I'll not have you blabbin' my name all over the place! My name's my name and there's no one but me's goin' to use it!

Greg:  Well, I think it's a little late for that now, don't you? I mean, just about everyone has read your story. They all know your name is Rum--

Rumpelstiltskin:  Tut, tut. No sir! Don't you say it. I don't care if they do know it. It's the principal of the thing, you know! I'll not have my name spoken while I'm around if I can help it.

Greg:  Okay, okay. Sorry. I won't mention it, I promise. So what are you up to these days?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, not singing, that's for sure. The last time, I lost my chance at the queen's son, and a whole kingdom.

Greg;  Yes, that was unfortunate for you, although most readers weren't too upset by it to be honest with you.

Rumpelstiltskin:  The public don't have no sympathy. They see a beautiful princess and an old gnome, so of course they're gonna side with her. No one tries to see poor old Rumpel...er, um, my point of view. The world don't understand. We had an agreement, a bindin' contract, and she didn't play fair. She went and spied on me. 

And look at the girl's father. What kind of parent is he, I ask you? He tells the king "Oh yeah, she can spin straw into gold, yeah right, no problem!" What kind of father does that to his daughter? I'll tell you what kind. A greedy one that's what. He out to have been drummed out of the Fraternal Order of Fathers if you ask me.

Greg:  You may have a point there.

Rumpelstiltskin:  A point?! I think I have more than a point! If it wasn't for me, she would have been thrown in the dungeon after the first night. I was doin' her a favor. No one sees it my way. Oh it makes me mad!

Greg:  But surely you've been able to rise above that setback after all this time. What are you up to these days?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, I saw the error of my ways, obviously. I realized I'd been barkin' up the wrong tree. Straw is right out. I don't work in straw any more. I turned to paper. I turned a lot of paper into gold. For example, I turned stocks into gold in the late 1920's. Stocks they called 'em. I turned a lot of stocks into gold for people.

Greg:  Yeah, that was great, but the stock market crashed in 1929.

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, the effect was only temporary. Paper don't stay gold long. Then, I turned real estate into gold a decade ago. That didn't take, either. A couple of years ago, that turned to junk. Things haven't been the same since, some folks say.

Greg:  Anything else?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, there's oil. I did a great job with that. It turns to gold pretty easily, but it's not stable. It keeps tryin' to change back to just a bunch of grease, but it won't.

Greg:  Why, is it because they made a bargain with you that hasn't been broken?

Rumpelstiltskin:  No, it's not my deal. They made a deal with someone else on that, but I don't go in for that kind of stuff. I don't like the heat.

Greg:  Well, uh, yes. Thank you for your time, Rum...er, Mr. R. It really has been quite enlightening.

Rumpelstiltskin:  Not at all, not at all. Actually, I'm thinkin' about gettin' back into my old line of work. I hear there's a princess over in England. She had a child recently. Do you think she'd be interested in three rooms full of gold straw?

Between the Lines: Allan Quatermain

Our guest this week is that legendary marksman, Allan Quatermain. He first rose to prominence in the classic King Solomon's Mines. I'm looking forward to find out more about the character that began the "lost world" adventure genre.

Greg:  Welcome Allan. I was hoping that you could tell us a little about how your quest to discover the mythical King Solomon's Mines came about.

Allan:  Certainly. Well you see, it all came about when my good friend Sir Henry Curtis' brother went missing in Africa. He had been searching for King Solomon's Mines, you see. I just so happened to have a map outlining the route to the mines, but had always dismissed it as a fabrication.

Greg:  I see. What changed your mind?

Allan:  In the beginning, nothing. It was really just a shot in the dark. However, as events progressed it became apparent that we might have actually been on to something. Besides, they promised me a share of the treasure or at the very least a payment to my son if I should be unlucky enough to perish on the journey.

Greg:  What were some of the highlights of your journey?

Allan:  An elephant that we shot trampled one of our porters. It was good for us, we got some ivory. It was not so good for the porter, but there you are. We almost died of thirst in the desert. Then we discovered the frozen body of the bloke that drew my map--with his own blood I might add.

Greg:  Ugh! It sounds ghastly.

Allan:  Yes, it was quite cold in the mountains. As a matter of fact, we lost another one of our porters to the cold. We laid him out next to the frozen adventurer to keep him company. Once we got out of the mountains we came to a green valley. We thought we were home and dry after that, but we were mistaken.

Greg:  Oh no. What happened?

Allan:  We were set upon by Kukuana warriors and nearly killed. Even with my expert sharpshooting we were hard pressed to defeat them. However, we were saved at the last minute when my companion, Captain Good, adjusted his false teeth. i can tell by the look on your face you do not believe me, and I must say that I could scarce believe it myself, but it is true. The natives were terrified--they though we were gods. Naturally, we did nothing to dissuade them of this notion.

Greg:  It sounds like a fantastic adventure. Did you ever find the legendary mines of King Solomon?

Allan:  I would rather not divulge everything. You should read the book. However, I will say that the journey was not without its financial rewards.

Greg:  Fair enough. Thank you for taking some time out to speak with us. 

Between the Lines: Snow White

Today as the snow fell I sat watching it and wondering who I could interview this week. Then my son Christian hit me with a snowball and I knew. I had to interview Snow White. So without further ado here's everyone's favorite beautiful girl.

Greg:  Okay, I have to ask. How did you get the name Snow White?

Snow White:  It's a sad story. My mother wished for a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony. Soon after I was born, but my mother died. My father married another woman.


Greg:  Oh, that is sad. I hope your new stepmother wound up being nice.

Snow White:  Yeah, not so much. You see what no one knew was that she was sort of vain, jealous and, well, evil. She had this magic mirror which could have been cool if she had used it for niceness, but she just used it to feed her ego.

Greg:  Really, how?

Snow White:  She kept asking who the fairest in the land was. The mirror kept telling her that she was the fairest. Boy, what an enabler. It was true, the mirror could not lie, but still. Anyway, one day when she asked--and that's another thing, she asked it every day, how insecure--the mirror said she was no longer the fairest in the land. Instead it said I was.

Greg:  I take it that was not a good thing.

Snow White:  You've got that right. Most women would get upset and then go and get some plastic surgery, you know, a little nip and tuck. Not my stepmother. I had to get stuck with a real psycho. Do you know what she did?

Greg:  Well, I've heard rumors, nothing definite, that she tried to get rid of you.

Snow White:  If by getting rid of me you mean having me killed and having my murderer return with my lungs and my liver you're right.

Greg:  That's really harsh, but you're standing here so I guess that means she changed her mind and opted for surgery.

Snow White:  She did not. The huntsman felt sorry for me and brought back the lungs and liver of a boar, which was bad luck for the boar but good luck for me. I ran into the woods. I wanted to get as far away as I could from my stepmother.

Greg:  Were you able to get away?

Snow White:  For a time. I met some dwarves--seven actually--and was able to stay with them. I'm embarrassed to say that I pulled a bit of a Goldilocks by eating their food, drinking their wine and falling asleep in one of their beds. I did make up for that by helping them cook and clean. They're such dear men.

Greg:  But I'm guessing it did not last.

Snow White:  It didn't. Of course my stepmother discovered that she had been tricked the next day when she asked her mirror who was the fairest. Of course the mirror had to tell the truth and said I was. I was told later that she had a real fit--killed a number of servants just for spite.

Greg:  So she came looking for you.

Snow White:  In disguise. She tried a coupe of times, but it was the poisoned apple that finally got me. I do so love fruit and the apple looked so good. All it took was one bite. I should have had a donut. 

Greg:  So what happened, the poison didn't take?

Snow White:  Oh it took. The dwarves put me in a glass coffin. My stepmother danced with glee.

Greg:  That's bad form.

Snow White:  No lie. 

Greg:  So how did you revive?

Snow White:  Luckily, a prince was passing through the forest and he came upon me lying in my coffin. He asked to have my body and when his servants moved it, the piece of apple was dislodged from my throat and I awoke. We were married and lived happily ever after.

Greg:  And what happened to your stepmother?

Snow White:  Do you want the truth or the Disney version?

Greg:  The truth.

Snow White:  As punishment for trying to kill me her feet were placed in red hot iron shoes and she was forced to dance in them until she danced herself to death.

Greg:  Hmmm, I should have asked for the Disney version. Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to chat with us it was very enlightening.

Between the Lines: Phileas Fogg

This week, Between the Lines is back with a fun interview with the accomplished world traveler, Phileas Fogg. He spent the last 80 days traveling around the world on a bet. I see him now just landing in a hot air balloon. Hello Phileas, how was your journey?

Fogg:  A might chilly I must say. it gets colder the higher up one goes, but I must say it's a simply splendid mode of transport.

Greg:  Did you really travel around the world in that contraption?

Fogg:  Oh heavens no. You see as part of my wager I had to use exclusively earth-bound means of conveyance. No, it's only since I've returned that I have had my head in the clouds so to speak.

Greg:  Oh I see. This bet that you made, what were the terms exactly?

Fogg:  I made the wager with the fellows down at the Reform Club--er, that's a club for world travelers, naturalists and explorers, not a school for miscreant youths. I made the statement that I could circumnavigate the globe in 80 days by ship, rail and any other means of grounded travel that I could dig up. My friends at the club thought I was balmy and wagered 20,000 pounds that I could not do it. Well, that was quite a tidy sum back in those days, so naturally I leapt at the opportunity.

It was only after I had left the club that I began to wonder exactly how I was going to accomplish the feat. Naturally, I hurried to the railway station to obtain a schedule.

Greg:  So you accepted the bet without really knowing if going around the world in 80 days was really possible?

Fogg:  Er, um yes. Sounds rather daft when you phrase it like that doesn't it?

Greg:  I'm sorry, I wasn't making fun. It just  seemed a little rash. Are you a risk taker?

Fogg:  Well now that's the truly amazing thing. Up until the moment I accepted the wager I would have said no, definitely not. I am normally very calm and rational by nature. In fact, some might say that I am too rigid. I don't know about that, but I am extremely precise. Mathematics is my passion, if one can be passionate about such things. Normally I would have charted out my course, check rail and steamer itineraries and so forth before stating it was possible. For some reason, though, I leapt before I looked this time. I daresay that in the end I was glad I did.

Greg:  It certainly seems that you landed on your feet in the end. Did you travel alone?

Fogg:  No, my faithful servant Passepartout accompanied me the entire way. I daresay I would not have made my journey in the allotted time without his assistance. It was he that informed me I had arrived home in time rather than a day late as I had first thought, you see.

Greg:  You had many adventures along the way. What was the most thrilling for you?

Fogg:  That is a poser. Hmmm, let me see.  Of course being mistaken for a bank robber and being pursued by that inspector Fix for most of the journey was quite difficult. I think rescuing and finally marrying the fair damsel Aouda would have to be the most thrilling aspect of the journey. Yes, quite thrilling indeed.

Greg:  Well, well, I guess it would be, wouldn't it? Thank you so much for spending some time with us today. It really was most enlightening.

Fogg:  The pleasure was all mine, I'm sure. Now if you'll excuse me, I really must get back. Passepartout will be putting the kettle on for tea shortly and I really can't be late, simply no excuse for it. Ta, ta!

Between the Lines: Ebenezer Scrooge

Christmas is in a couple of days and Christmas Eve is tomorrow! I really can't believe it's come so quickly. My children are bubbling with anticipation. As a matter of fact, all the children are bursting with a barely contained excitement. It was really evident at church yesterday. The priest gathered all the kids around the alter for the homily and they could not sit still. Anyway, I want to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas/holiday. may God grant you all you desire in the coming year. I won't be posting again until Friday, so enjoy your holiday.

Now, I'm very excited to let you know that we've got someone very special here to speak with. Tonight, we'll be talking to that old humbug himself, Ebenezer Scrooge. So, let's see what the old miser has to say.

Greg:  Welcome, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Scrooge:  What? Oh, er, um, yes...why yes, it is getting to be that time of year! Why Merry Christmas to you my good fellow, and to your family as well.

Greg:  Umm, thank you. Excuse me for asking, but are you feeling all right?

Scrooge:  Never felt better in my life. Fit as a fiddle I am my boy. Why do you ask? 

Greg:  Well, it's just that I didn't expect to get that kind of answer from you. To be honest, I thought you'd get mad, and say something like--

Scrooge:  What? You mean like bah, humbug? No, now don't protest. I know that is what you were driving at. You're an intelligent young man I see. Yes, that was the old Ebenezer Scrooge. I was quite the wet blanket in the old days. I suppose people thought me quite disagreeable--a regular miser. But that all changed a few years back.

Greg:  You don't say. What happened?

Scrooge:  Well I'll tell you my boy, although I doubt you'll believe me. I had an epiphany of sorts. I received a healthy dose of Christmas spirit--three spirits in fact.

Greg:  I don't quite follow you.

Scrooge:  I didn't either, at first. It started one Christmas Eve when I was visited by my old partner, Jacob Marley.

Greg:  How nice, a visit from an old friend.

Scrooge:  Maybe, but in this case Marley had been dead for seven years, so it was quite a shock. To tell you the truth, I never liked him much when he was alive. He was even worse as a ghost. He kept yammering on and on about wasting his time being concerned with accumulating wealth. And then he'd rattle those chains that he'd forged in life. It set my teeth on edge.

To top it all off, he said that I was in danger of sharing his fate, and that I'd better shape up. He told me that I'd be visited by three more ghosts before the night was through. He got my attention with that one--but not for long. I figured I had a touch of indigestion. I burped, and he disappeared, so I quickly forgot about it and went to bed. 

Greg:  I'm guessing that's not the end of the story, though.

Scrooge:  You're right about that. First, the Ghost of Christmas Past took me on a walk down memory lane. That's a very painful road for me, I've got to tell you. Lots of trouble and angst. But there were also some good times, too--things I'd almost forgotten.

The next ghost to pay me a visit was the Ghost of Christmas Present, a thoroughly unpleasant specter  All he did was show me images of my impertinent relations who apparently spend all their time mocking me. I also paid a visit to the family of my lazy clerk, Bob Cratchit. They were very poor--I never realized just how poor they were. His little boy Tiny Tim was such a callow sickly lad. It about broke my heart. And yes, before you ask, I do have a heart.

The third ghost, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, was the most horrifying spirit of all. The visions he showed me were terrible. First, Tiny Tim died, then, I died. I found that nobody really cared for me. In fact, they all despised me. Well, I thought, why would they feel like that? It made me think in spite of myself. The thing that really moved me, though, was that Tiny Tim had died. Such a happy, high spirited lad. There is nothing worse than a suffering child, I don't think.

Greg:  You're right there. So, what was the cause of your change of heart?

Scrooge:  Well, I'd like to say that it was the thought of what would happen to poor Tiny Tim, but if I were truly honest, I would have to say that it was the sight of my own grave. Of course, I knew that in order to avoid that grim apparition, I'd have to change my ways. I was thankful that the way for me to do that was to save Tiny Tim.

Greg:  Tiny Tim got better?

Scrooge:  I am happy to say he did. I made sure he received the best medical care, and I made sure there was always plenty to eat on the Cratchit table. In my life I have accomplished many things and made a mountain of money, but the recovery of Tiny Tim has been my greatest achievement. And, while I may have saved him, I owe him my life, because he just as surely saved me.

Greg:  Well, thank you very much for an unexpectedly enjoyable chat. I hope you have a very merry Christmas.

Scrooge:  And you as well. Keep the Christmas spirit in your heart the whole year 'round, and no chains will be able to contain it. You will soar with angels.

Between the Lines: Frosty the Snowman

Up in our neck of the woods, it snowed all day this past Saturday, and there is more snow on the way tomorrow. With that in mind, I thought it would be appropriate to talk with someone who is extremely familiar with snow. I gave this person a call, and he said he would be more than happy to chat with us. So, without further ado, here's Frosty the Snowman.

Greg:  Hi Frosty, thanks for coming down from the North Pole to spend some time with us.

Frosty:  No trouble at all. It's nice and chilly down here this time of year, so I had no worries about coming so far south. Now if it had been earlier in the year, say July, it would have been impossible--too hot you see.

Greg:  Yes, I see. I guess that means you still spend most of your time with Santa at the North Pole.

Frosty:  Oh yes. It's about the only place where it's cold enough all of the time, although I have heard rumors that with global warming the polar icecaps are shrinking. The other day a group of polar bears passed by Santa's workshop wearing sunglasses and sunscreen, so perhaps the rumors are true. I turned the air conditioning up just in case.

Greg:  Probably a wise thing to do, you can never take chances.

Frosty:  No you never can. Once I took a chance. My friend Karen was cold and I took her into a greenhouse to get warm. I figured it'd be okay to go in for just a minute or two. Things didn't work out like I planned and I wound up as a puddle on the floor. Thank goodness Santa Claus showed up and saved the day.

Greg:  Oh yes, I remember that. Is it true you still visit Karen every Christmas?

Frosty:  Yes. Santa drops me off every Christmas Eve, and Karen and I hang out for a couple of weeks. Sometimes Hocus Pocus the rabbit stops by, too. Just between you and me, he can be a bit much at times. He scampers around quite a bit--a very jittery fellow, but he's a good friend.  I just wouldn't want to have to spend a month with him.

Greg:  What about Professor Hinkle. Do you ever see him?

Frosty:  Not for many years. After Santa gave him his assignment and he got a new hat, I'd see him every once in a while when I'd visit Karen. That all stopped though when he made the semifinals of America's Got Talent.

Greg:  Oh wow, his magic must have improved considerably to make the semifinals. 

Frosty:  Well no, he's still a cruddy magician. He has a fire dancing act now. He learned it on a trip to Borneo. I haven't seen it, but they say it's really hot. Not my cup of tea, really.

Greg:  It's good to hear that everyone seems to be doing well now. Thanks for taking the time to chat with us. It's getting a little chilly in here, do you mind if I put another log on the fire.

Frosty:  No, not at all, as long as you let me put my head in the freezer. On second thought, that's okay. I'll just stand outside and wait for Santa to pick me up. Merry Christmas!

Between the Lines: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

As the Christmas season rushes up to meet us, I thought it would be fun to chat with one of Santa's favorite reindeer. I was lucky enough to be able to get him to take a few moments from his busy schedule to chat with us a little bit. Here's Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer.

Greg:  Thank you so much for taking some time out to talk with us. What is your favorite thing about the holidays?

Rudolph:  I think it's the fact that everyone is just a little bit nicer to each other in December. There is still a lot of sadness in the world, but at this time of year, I think it's just a little bit less sad.

Greg:  So, I have to ask. What's it like having a nose that lights up?

Rudolph:  It's never seemed that special to me, I've always had it. For others, though, it was pretty shocking at first. Not many people were nice to me. It took them a while to adjust and I hated my nose. Now, people have gotten used to it and have come to accept it, so I'm good with it. Of course that whole storm thing turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That's where I was able to prove I belonged.

Greg:  Oh yes, that was a terrible storm, wasn't it?

Rudolph:  The worst. Santa's magi castle was shut down. No power or anything. Even the auxiliary generators were knocked out. It looked like Santa would have to cancel all his deliveries on Christmas Eve. Then he had a bright idea. My nose was glowing as usual, and he had the idea that I would light the way at the head of his team.

That was a big moment for me and I consider myself very fortunate. Until then, the other reindeer laughed and called me names and wouldn't let me play in any of their reindeer games. After that Christmas, things changed a lot. There was a lot of attention and publicity thrown my way. I did not like being in the spotlight, so to speak, but I try to be a good role model. Not that a reindeer with a red nose is better or worse than any other flying reindeer. I try to include the others as much as possible--spread the love if you will.

Greg:  That's great. What's the best thing about being part of Santa's team?

Rudolph:  Bringing presents to boys and girls around the world. That's what it's all about--making people happy. Santa does such great work, it's fantastic to be a part of that and contribute in some small way.

Greg:  Well, you are a big part of it, actually, and we here at White Owl Manuscripts would like to thank you for everything you do and for taking time out to talk with us.

Rudolph:  Well, thank you very much. It's been a lot of fun. I've got to get back now, but I'll be stopping by to see you on Christmas Eve, be sure to leave the reindeer food and cookies. Merry Christmas!

Between the Lines: Goldilocks

I apologize for being AWOL this weekend. I was at a two day show and was running here, there and everywhere, so A Writer's Week went by the boards. I'll give you a full rundown of the show and everything that happens this week on Friday.

Now I've got a very special treat. Today, we get to chat with the golden girl of fairy tales herself, Goldilocks. Let's find out what she's got to say.

Greg:  Hello, my dear. How are things?

Goldilocks:  Very well, thank you. I was out walking today in the crisp fall air. Very refreshing, even though the leaves are mostly down now.

Greg:  I see. You like to take long walks in the woods, do you?

Goldilocks:  Why, yes I do. I walk all over the forest back home.

Greg:  Yes, so I've heard. Tell me, when you're out walking do you like to drop in on neighbors?

Goldilocks:  Huh? Oh, I think I see where this is going. Look, my lawyer told you people that I was not going to answer any question related to that incident.

Greg:  Incident? To what incident are you referring. I never mentioned any incident.

Goldilocks:  My lawyer warned me about coming on here. She said sooner or later you'd drag those bears into the conversation.

Greg:  I never mentioned them. But, since you did, why don't you tell us exactly what happened.

Goldilocks:  There's really nothing to tell. I was walking along through the woods when I came upon the most lovely little house. I would have kept right on going without a second thought, but I was hungry. I hadn't eaten a thing all day. Anyway, as I passed by there was the most delicious smell wafting out the window. I had to stop and check it out.

Greg:  Um, humm. So you smelled some yummy porridge and barged right in.

Goldilocks:  I did not barge in. I knocked--a couple of times. There was no answer. I was really hungry, so I tried the door. It was unlocked. I peeked inside and it appeared that no one was home.

Greg:  Yes, so you did what anyone else would. You closed the door and continued on your way, right?

Goldilocks:  Well, no. As I said, I was very hungry, so I went inside. There on the table were three bowls of porridge--a big one, a medium sized one and a wee little bitty one. No one seemed to be around, so I tried the big bowl. It was too hot. Then I tried the medium bowl and it was too cold. The little itty bitty one was just right, though, and I ate it all up.

Greg:  Yes, I'll bet you did. So, after ruining these poor people's meal you left, right?

Goldilocks:  Not quite. I had been walking a long time and porridge is not a particularly light meal on the stomach, so I felt the need to sit a little bit. I went into the living room and there were three chairs--a big one, a medium sized one and an itsy bitsy baby one.

Greg:  Let me guess. This big one and the medium one were not comfortable, so you wedged yourself into the tiny one.

Goldilocks:  Not exactly. The first two were uncomfortable, but when I went to sit in the smallest chair, it broke into pieces. Can you imagine? After that shattering experience I simply had to lie down somewhere.

Greg:  And that's when you went upstairs.

Goldilocks:  You're beginning to sound like that nasty police officer the bears called. If you must know, I did go upstairs to take a little nap. There were three beds--a big one, a medium one and a small baby-sized one. Thee big one was too hard, and the medium one was too lumpy, but the small one was a dream. It was so comfortable that I was asleep in seconds.

Greg:  So let me get this straight. You entered the house of a stranger without being invited, ate their food, broke their furniture, and slept in their bed. That's pretty bold of you if you ask me. 

Goldilocks:  But I'm Goldilocks. It's what I do. Why doesn't anyone get that but me? Anyway, when I woke up, there were three bears standing over me. The big one and the medium-sized one did not look very pleased, and the baby one was crying his eyes out because someone had eaten his porridge and broken his chair.

I told them I was terribly sorry and offered to have my parents pay for the damages, but no. They rag the police and I was taken down to the station. I tried to explain that i was Goldilocks and this is what I do, but no one wanted to hear it. My father had to come bail me out. Even he was not pleased. I don't know what this world is coming to when a tired, hungry little girl can't get a little rest and nourishment without everyone making such a fuss.

Greg:  I supposed we should not be surprised. After all, it's what you do, isn't if?

Goldilocks:  Why yes, yes it is. See, you do understand! It's been awfully nice chatting with you, but I simply must run. My hearing is set for an hour from now. If I'm lucky those bears will be hibernating and won't show. Ta, ta!

Between the Lines: The Brave Little Tailor

We are privileged to have with us one of the most valiant heroes of his age-perhaps of any age. He once killed seven...Oh, but perhaps I should let him tell you all about it instead. Yes, that would be more fitting, I believe. Here he is, the Brave Little Tailor.

Greg:  Welcome sir. I introduced you as a tailor, but that's not quite true as you now have title to half the kingdom and the king's daughter as well. 

Tailor:  Yes, that's true. Although I don't like to brag, I have managed to do rather well for myself.

Greg:  And to what do you owe your fantastic success?

Tailor:  I have had to live by my wits. I've been in many a tight place and managed to scrape through on nothing more than daring and cunning.

Greg:  How so?

Tailor:  It all started when I managed to kill seven flies with one blow of my hand. It might not seem like much, but I thought that I might be able to put that experience to some use. I had a belt made that proclaimed "seven with one blow". Then I left home and went to seek my fortune.

It wasn't long before I bumped into a giant. He was one of the most fearsome creatures I had ever met. When he saw my belt, he assumed that I had killed seven men with one blow--giants are not particularly bright you understand. Anyhow, he decided to challenge me. I managed to fool him into thinking I was a match for him physically. What can I say, he was a giant so it wasn't that difficult.

Greg:  It sounds rather simple when you put it like that, although perhaps you should not have taken advantage of the poor giant.

Tailor:  Well that's easy to say, but I am small and frail and have to live on my wits. I out-thought him so sue me. Anyhow, you shouldn't get up on your high horse until you've heard the whole story. After I "bested" him, he took me to his house, but he wasn't trying to make friends. He tried to kill me, he did. Can you believe that? Never trust a giant I always say.

Greg:  Well, that was kind of nasty of him. What did you do?

Tailor:  Well, the bed was too big. I couldn't get comfortable. I decided to sleep off in a corner, and that saved my life, because the giant and his family couldn't find me. They were so scared to see me still alive the next morning that they all took off.

Far be it from me to turn down an opportunity when it presents itself. I presented myself to the king. I told him I'd bested a whole giant family and asked to serve in his royal guard. The other guards didn't take too kindly to this. They heard what I had done to the giants and they were worried I'd lose my temper and take care of them one day. So, they went to the king and told him it were either me or them.

Greg:  What did the king say?

Tailor:  He didn't want to lose his whole platoon of guards, but he wasn't too keen on getting me angry, either. He decided to send me to kill two giants who were terrorizing the kingdom. If I succeeded, he would give me half the kingdom and his daughter's hand in marriage.

Greg:  Did you kill them?

Tailor:  I didn't have to. I got them to take care of each other on their own. See, I sneaked up to where they were sleeping and I tossed some rocks at each of them. One thought the other was doing it, and the other thought the first was. Soon they were really going at each other. It was something to behold, I tell you. After they did each other in, the king gave me a couple of other small tasks and I was in. The wedding was last fall--a most charming ceremony it was.

Greg:  Well, you certainly made the most of your opportunities. Thanks for chatting with us.

Tailor:  When opportunity knocks, make the most of it I always say. Thank heavens for dumb giants, otherwise I'd still be in my little shop, hemming and stitching. 

Between the Lines: Three Blind Mice

Hello again. As promised last week, I am posting a brand new interview this week after featuring "reruns" for the past several. We're back with a bang, as I actually have three interviewees for the price of one. Allow me to introduce the Three Blind Mice. Let's see if we can get the inside scoop on them shall we?

Greg:  Welcome. I'm glad you all could be here together today. I gather that it's been a while since you've all been together.

Mouse #1:  Yeah, it's been a long time. We ain't seen each other in years.

Mouse #2:  Hah, that's a good one--seen each other. As if we could. You always was an insensitive bloke, Morty.

Mouse #3:  Now Fred, don't be so hard on the lad, you know he ain't one t' think before he speaks. It's just his way.

Fred:  You quit stickin' up for him Jasper. You was always stickin' up for Mort you was.

Jasper:  Now don't take on like that, Fred. It weren't his fault. He saw his chance and he took it. If it had worked out, I'm sure he would of gotten us in, too. But the whole plan went belly up and that's that. Then there was that whole deal with the farmer's wife.

Greg:  Hold on. I'm a little lost here. Can we take it from the top. What broke you three up?

Mort:  It's a long, rather painful story. I don't think we need to go into it.

Fred:  No, I think we should go into it, Mort. We got to get it out in the open-like. Maybe then everyone can judge for themselves.

Jasper:  No Fred, I think maybe Mort's right. There ain't no need to go dredgin' all that stuff back up.

Mort:  No, don't worry about it, Jasper. Maybe Fred's right. It might be good t' clear the air.

Greg:  Hey cool. It sounds like we've got a scoop here folks. Okay, we all want to know what happened to break you guys up.

Mort:  Well, it was like this, see. In our younger days we was always lookin' for some good times. We never stayed in one place long. We was runnin' here, there and everywhere. We lived in this house with this farmer and his wife, boy was she scared of us.

Fred:  Yeah, we'd chase her all over the house, out in the barnyard, wherever.

Mort:  Sure, sure. She was always scared. It was a lot of fun. But that was our day job. We did more than that. We had an act.

Greg:  An act?

Jasper:  Sure, ya know Vaudeville--singin' an' dancin'. We was real good, too. Had a lot of Hollywood types interested in us.

Fred:  Yeah, yeah. They was interested in all of us--one in particular was real interested.

Greg: Who, who?

Fred:  Ya sound like an owl, talkin' like that. Ya gave me the shivers for a minute there. Watch it, will ya? Anyways, yeah, the big guy himself, Mister Entertainment--Walt Disney--was real interested. He wanted to talk t' someone, so Mort here volunteered t' go.

Mort:  You an' Jasper didn't have time t' go. You was both chasin' the farmer's wife.

Fred:  Ya sure took advantage of that, didn't ya?

Greg:  How? How did he take advantage?

Mort:  I didn't. I met with Disney, but he didn't want a trio. He was lookin' for a single, and he wanted me. I would be Mortimer Mouse and star in all his pictures. I went back t' the others with the news. I promised 'em I'd find a way to work 'em in with me once I got established.

Greg:  Sounds reasonable. So what happened?

Jasper:  Fred and Mort got inta it pretty good. They almost came t' blows. I tried t' step in an' make Fred see reason, but he wasn't havin' none of it. In fact, Mort was just about t' walk out when it happened.

Greg:  What happened?

Mort:  The farmer's wife finally got up her nerve an' came after us. She was totin' a huge carrvin' knife. She was swingin' it madly above her head. Finally, she cornered  us and chopped our tails off. Scared us blind it did.

Greg:  What about Disney?

Mort:  He didn't want no blind, tailess mouse, so he backed outta the deal. Hire some rube from Malibu named Mickey ad the rest is history.

Greg:  Oh, bad luck. But listen, you shouldn't let a little setback like that get you down.

Fred:  Yeah, I suppose not. I'm willin' t' let bygones be bygones if you are.

Mort:  Sure thing ol' pal. Put her there.

Jasper:  Aw, that's great fellas, I knew you'd make peace. Now let's see if we can't scare up an agent. I hear they're plannin' a remake of Cinderella, an' they're auditionin' mice an' birds, let's get a move on!

Between the Lines: Merlin

This is the last of the early character interviews for the moment. Next week, we'll have another new interviewee. This interview is a rebuttal to last week's interview with King Arthur. Here's his wizard friend, Merlin:

Well, things have certainly been exciting here at The Deliverers Publishing Headquarters. First of all, I am offering the Kindle version of The Deliverers: Sharky and the Jewel for free for the next three days (5/8, 9 & 10), and they've been going like hotcakes. At one point today, I was giving away a book a minute! Heady stuff. Now I know how J.K. Rowling must feel (numb). Would that folks were paying for them! Oh well, hopefully this will generate some word of mouth and some reviews!

The other thing that's been occupying my time has been the controversy generated by yesterday's interview with King Arthur. In case you missed it, he had some rather unpleasant things to say about his onetime friend and mentor, Merlin. I have to admit that I was shocked.

So, I suppose it wasn't a surprise when I received a phone call from the venerable wizard. He was upset that Arthur painted him in such an unflattering light, and that I had acted in his words, "like a most hard hearted and shameful accomplice." Well, what could I say? I offered him equal time to tell his side of the story, if he was willing.

He jumped at the chance. So, straight from Merlin's Cave, here is Merlin's rebuttal.

Greg:  Well, Merlin, it certainly is nice to meet you, although I wish the circumstances might be a little more cheery.

Merlin:  Thank you for the opportunity my boy. It really is good of you to allow me some time to defend myself.

Greg:  Not at all. We don't usually do two interviews in one week, but I thought the situation warranted it. Now, why don't you tell us where Arthur went astray in his recollection of events.

Merlin:  Gladly. Unfortunately, most everything he said was sheer fabrication. I was the guiding force behind the throne. I've known Arthur since he was a mere boy. I was his teacher, and schooled him in the ways of the natural world, government, morals and ethics. I suppose I did not do a very good job on that last item.

But to address your question, Arthur might think he accomplished what he did on his own, but it was I who laid the groundwork. As for my magic not amounting to much, I'll have you know that I have performed many extraordinary feats. I am a master shape changer, and used that power to great effect in Arthur's education.

Greg:  Yes, but what about the time traveler from Connecticut who blotted out the sun?

Merlin:  Argh! It was that Twain person. He had it in for me from the very start. Always painted me as a villain, a fool. What he did was not magic, mere looking back to the past. Hindsight is always 20/20. I look into the future. My specialty is seeing what shall be.

Greg:  Then why didn't you see what was coming?

Merlin:  Er, um, I was looking too far ahead. You see I was about to meet my fate. The lovely Lady of the Lake was my future. Unfortunately, I was too enamored of her to pay attention to the road immediately ahead.

Greg:  Well, we can talk more about that a little later. I'm interested in whose idea the Knights of the Round Table really was. Arthur claimed it to be his, and that you wanted the table to be octagonal. Is that true?

Merlin:  That was just an early sketch. No, of course I hit upon the round, all knights are equal concept soon after. I will admit that Arthur selected the majority of the knights who would make up the order, but the chivalric concept was entirely mine. Of course, I had nothing in mind at the time but the unification of Britain and the betterment of the world.

Arthur was really the one after the glory. The lad does have a vain streak a mile wide, despite his many good qualities.

Greg:  Ah, so you admit that Arthur is not all bad?

Merlin:  Admit? I do not have to do anything of the kind. Of course he has many good qualities. That's why I chose him for the task. That's why he was able to pull the sword out of the stone. It was because he was destined to unite and rule all of England. I just resent the fact that now that he's reached the pinnacle of success, he's trying to minimize my considerable contribution to the whole affair.

Greg:  Speaking of affairs, what's the story with you and the Lady of the Lake?

Merlin:  It's a painful part of my life that I don't like to talk about, but since you've been kind enough to give me equal time, I'll give you the lowdown. She was such a temptress. First, she tosses Arthur that magic sword, then she starts making with the small talk. Then next thing you know, she's enchanted me and locked me in this cave. It took me ages to get out.

Greg:  I guess this is where we get out. I think our time is up, but I really did enjoy our visit together.

Merlin:  I did, also. Thank you again for giving me some time to give my side of the story. Now that I'm free, I think I'll go have a talk with the Lady of the Lake. She's bound to have gotten over our spat by now.

Between the Lines: King Arthur

Happy Monday everyone! I am wrapping up the look back at early Monday interviews with King Arthur this week and Merlin's rebuttal next week. After that, I'll be lining up some fresh victims--er, interviewees--for us to chat with. So, here's the chat we had with Arthur a year and a half ago.

Today, we're taking a journey through the mists of Avalon to talk to a giant of myth, literature, and history--none other than King Arthur himself. We met with Arthur in his court at Camelot. Will he let us sit at the Round Table? We shall see...

Greg:  So, this is the wondrous Camelot, is it?

Arthur:  Yes, magnificent, is it not? It is the wonder of all Britain. Travelers come from far and wide just to gaze upon its beauty.

Greg:  Well, I can certainly see why. This hall is huge. There are magnificent tapestries hanging on the wall, a roaring fire, a table laid for a feast, and of course, the legendary Round Table.

Arthur:  Ah, yes, humility prevents me from boasting, but I must admit that it is all rather splendid. Of course, all this has been hard-won. It did not just fall into my lap. Britain was a mess. The cursed Saxons had the run of the place.

Greg:  Oh yes, that's right. You and Merlin united the whole country and rose up against the Saxons. Your success ushered in a Golden Age. That's how it went, right?

Arthur:  Well, yes, if you believe everything you read. To be brutally frank, Merlin did not have much to do with it. He wasn't as big a deal as he's made out to be. His magic was not really that spectacular. We once had a visitor from the far off land of Conn Ect Icut who could blot out the sun. Merlin could not perform such wondrous works.

No, it was due to myself and Excalibur, my magic sword, to which most of the praise and honor is due. After all, it was I who won the heart of Guinevere, the comeliest maid throughout the whole of Britain. Merlin could not get so much as a date.

Greg:  I see. There are some who say your origins are rooted in history, while others say you're completely legendary. What do you have to say about that?

Arthur:  Why sir, do I not stand before you in the flesh? Could a legend do that? Could a legend unite the whole of Britain, establishing an age of chivalry? I think not. No, I am very real.

Greg:  Well you are standing here. That reminds me. Merlin set up the whole idea of the Knights of the Round Table, right? What was it like to witness such a historical moment?

Arthur:  Witness? Witness! I was the architect of that most glorious institution. Merlin, bah! He wanted the table to be an octagon! It was I who said it should be round so that all men seated at it would be equal. 

Chivalry was my idea, as well. What could be a more noble pursuit than rescuing fair maidens and questing in a glorious cause. It pulled my knights together and made them the pride of the world. Merlin was always trying to claim credit for the entire thing. He was all show, no substance.

Greg:  That's an interesting take. I'd never heard that version of the story before. Is there anything else that we should know?

Arthur:  Yes, now that you mention it. The whole Lancelot thing is overblown. He didn't even start getting mentioned until the 12th Century. Talk about coming late to the party and taking the cake. And all that going off in search of the Holy Grail, well. It's enough to make me scream. If I wasn't such a level headed, magnanimous monarch, I'd have to take steps. 

Greg:  I think it's time we were taking steps--right back to the 21st century. Thank you so much for your time and the interesting information. It certainly puts the Arthurian Legend in a whole new light.

Arthur:  It was my pleasure. I'll have to be going, Morgan Le Fey and her son Mordred are stopping by to speak with me. I wonder what they want. Between you and me, they give me the creeps.

Between the Lines: Sherlock Holmes

This week we're talking with that master of deduction, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. Now, let's see what we can deduce from his conversation.

Greg:  Good evening. It is a singular honor to be speaking with this week’s guest. He has solved some of the most baffling cases in history, always through outstanding feats of intellect and deduction. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Sherlock Holmes. Welcome Mr. Holmes.

Holmes:  Thank you.

Greg:  Tell me a little about your early life.

Holmes:  I don’t like to talk much about myself. It could give my enemies valuable information with which to do me injury. However, since I am retired and most of my enemies are jailed or dead, I shall indulge you just this once, although I shan’t go into too many specifics.

I was born in England in 1861. My ancestors were country squires, but the thought of lounging around on an estate all day never held much appeal for me. So, after sitting two years at Cambridge, I left school in 1880 to fight in the Second Anglo-Afghan war, where I was wounded.

Upon my return from the war, I decided to apply my immense powers of reason and my ability to disguise myself to use as a consulting detective. I had always had a talent in this line. In fact, it was while at university that I had first used my powers of deduction to solve a number of trifling cases that had been puzzling the local constabulary.

Greg:  How did you meet Dr. Watson?

Holmes:  As I said, I had been working as a consulting detective in London, but times were hard. Financial difficulties required that I advertise for a boarder. Dr. Watson turned up on my doorstep the day after I posted the ad in the Times. Wonderful bit of serendipity, that.

He and I lived and worked together for a number of years, quite successfully, until he decided to get married. After his wife’s untimely death, Watson returned, and I was happy to receive him. He has chronicled all of my most formidable cases.

Greg:  You’ve got a reputation as quite a clever fellow. It’s said that you can deduce anything about someone just by looking at them.

Holmes:  Quite.

Greg:  What can you deduce by looking at me?

Holmes:  That you love muffins, and that you have been through quite a lot to obtain one.

Greg:  How do you mean?

Holmes:  I mean that you set out for the bakery in your automobile, but ran out of petrol on the way. You found that your cellular phone was dead, so you hiked to the nearest telephone, and rang the automobile club. You were picked up and transported back to your car, where you refilled the tank. You then purchased a muffin and a medium cup of coffee for yourself and the driver as a thank you.

Greg:  That’s remarkable Holmes! It’s almost like you were there with me through the whole ordeal. How did you deduce it?

Holmes:  Elementary. First, the crumbs on your shirt, and your slightly portly physique pointed to an overindulgence in sweets. Next, the mud and drops of petrol on your shoes were indications that you recently journeyed on foot and had filled your petrol tank. Behind you, I see that your cellular telephone is being recharged, which lead me to believe that you were unable to use it to telephone for help.

Greg:  Incredible, Holmes. But how were you able to sort out the bit about the automobile club and that I had bought the driver a treat?

Holmes:  Quite simple, really. On the table at your elbow lie your automobile club card and a receipt from a bakery. The receipt shows that you purchased two muffins and two medium coffees.

Now, while it is entirely possible that you  purchased two muffins for yourself, I do not think that even you would have purchased two coffees for yourself alone.

So you see it was really quite an obvious deduction. All one has to do is observe the clues.

Greg:  You’ve solved a great number of cases over the years. Which has been the most satisfying?

Holmes:  My cases have involved many lofty, even royal, personages throughout the years. While these have carried a certain amount of satisfaction, I find that I am most satisfied when dealing in cases involving the common man, for it is there that we see both the worst and the best that humanity has to offer.

Greg:  Well thank you so much for spending some time with us. It was most enlightening.

Holmes:  Yes, I am sure it was.