Greg: Well, thanks for sitting down with us this evening.
Wolf: I'm happy to be here. Usually, no one wants to talk with me, so I appreciate you having me on.
Greg: We're happy to have you here. So, I have to ask--why pick on the pigs?
Wolf: I've never understood what all the fuss is about me and the pigs. I love pigs. Paws down, they're my favorite. I love them baked, boiled, grilled, and as sausage. Why pigs? Why not pigs? Hello, I'm a wolf, eating pigs is what I do.
Greg: Okay, fair enough. You're a wolf, wolves eat pigs, among other things. I'll give you that. But what about that let me in, chinny chin chin, blow your house in rhyme?
Wolf: What about the rhyme? You think fairy tales can't rhyme? Oh I know rhymes are usually reserved for nursery rhymes, but I should be celebrated for pushing boundaries. Wolves don't play it safe. Besides, the pigs came up with the "not by the hair on our chinny chin chins" part.
Greg: All right, it's good to push boundaries--within reason. However, breaking and entering, even if you are pursuing your dinner, is definitely not cool.
Wolf: Breaking and entering? You can honestly say that those things they lived in were houses. Well, okay, I'll give you the house made out of brick. That was definitely a house, but I never broke in to that. That house was solid.
The piles of straw and sticks that the other two called houses--forget about it.
Greg: What bothers you the most about your experience with the three little pigs?
Wolf: What, you mean besides them boiling me at the end? They're always rubbing the whole thing in may face. The longer this goes on, the more taunting they get. And everyone eats that up, you know? I mean, look at Disney. He wrote them that little song. "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, tra la la la la." It just makes me want to sink my teeth into a nice pork chop! I never got a chance to have the last bite.
Greg: It can be frustrating to never get a chance to respond. And with every version, the pigs always win.
Wolf: Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. No one wants to see the wolf win. I mean, if I had so much as taken a bite out of one of those pigs, pigs' rights groups would be up in arms. The ASPCA would be putting together a lawsuit.
People think pigs are these cute little pink animals that have little ringlets for tails. Well, they're not. Those are piglets, people. Baby pigs! All babies are cute. Baby wolves are cute. Pigs, grown up pigs, like to root around in the mud. They're huge, hairy creatures that smell and eat garbage.
On the other hand, wolves are tidy, intelligent, intensely loyal animals with a highly developed social order. Sure, we eat pigs and other animals, but what else are we going to eat, blueberries?
Greg: Well, not just animals. There are rumors circulating that you were involved in the Little Red Riding Hood incident at Grandma's house.
Wolf: Lies, all lies! I was never in the neighborhood. I've got an alibi. It wasn't me, it was some rogue wolf. I would never, repeat, never attack a grandma or a little girl. That's just evil. I'm insulted you would even insinuate such a thing. Matter of fact, that's it, this interview is over. Later.
Greg: Well, that was unpleasant. Still, there must be something to it for him to get so worked up about it. I'll sign off tonight with the following little tune.